Dear Bria
A family member recently emailed me with this question. Here's my response.
A family member recently emailed me with this question. I’ve shared it here, with permission, along with my response.
Hi Bria,
Looking for some professional advice.
So B who is now 7 Y.O. is having trouble with reading. She knows the skill of sounding words out, but she struggles with sight reading. A major obstacle is that in most areas she grasps things quickly. So for example math she does well. She is the youngest in her class which likely contributes to teacher expectations. But most concerning is that she avoids reading, which is true for other things which she finds difficult. This is something we will all work on in the long haul. What I am interested in right now is to get her reading on track.
One option is to not have her read to other people. For example is there a good reading game she can play which is fun, self motivating and will build reading skill?
Also any other thoughts are appreciated.
Love to you and family,
-E
Hi E,
The first thing I want to say, something you probably already know, is that her reading will be just fine. It’s actually super normal for kids to vary wildly in when they learn to read. But I do realize that what you and B are up against are teacher and school expectations, norms, etc. so that’s going to add to the pressure and might be contributing to why she doesn’t want to try when it’s hard — because the pressure from school, teacher, and expectations make failing feel really scary.
If she is up for talking about it, I would start by asking her if she is interested in learning to read better, and see what she says. You might have to talk through this a bit and try to bring it up in a way that doesn’t put the focus on the pressure (i.e. from school, or her teacher,) but puts the focus on what she really wants. So, say something like, “Do you want to learn to read better? Does being able to read better sound fun to you? Are you interested in having that skill for yourself?” If she says no, that’s a great time to ask more questions to figure out why. If she says yes, it’s a great chance to ask if you could be her partner in helping her learn how to read, then figure out together some ways of practicing that sound exciting for her. Find a reading game (I am sure there are a million apps for this), she can read to family, take turns reading pages, listen to audio while reading along in books, or anything else you can figure out together that sounds exciting to her.
You can see that my advice isn’t straightforward or based on a particular activity or curriculum. It’s relationship based. Because the best way to support a kid in working through something hard or gaining a new skill is finding out what’s going on for them, asking if they want help from you, and finding the ways it can be enjoyable for you to figure it out together. Be their partner and ally in figuring it out, and reduce the pressure to do something a specific way. Otherwise it’s like pulling teeth, and it won’t be fun for anyone, and might even discourage her enjoyment around reading now and in the future.
Love you,
Bria
There’s an interesting role to play in giving advice to folks who are in a place of appeasing school (and not in a place to question school itself), or are worried about reaching certain milestones at a specific time. I always want my advice to come from a place of relationship, and to gently, but firmly, push on the idea of when kids “should” be doing certain things, and the expectations that are placed on them by adults.
Even in rereading my response, I see a lot I could have added. But I also don’t want to get too winding or long-winded, because I want to focus on the point: what your kid wants, and how you can partner with them in supporting that.
What would you say to a family member or friend who asked you something like this?