Healing Ourselves
“My biggest parenting fear — and I’ve got a duffel bag fulla dem — is this: I am afraid of raising a version of my child that is comprised of all the ways they learned to survive living with my wounds and me...” —Akilah S. Richards, Raising Free People
Many parents, elders, peers, and others in our lives had positive, loving influences on us, with the best intentions. But all adults live with wounds, however small, that affect the way we interact with our kids. Many of these come from societal messaging, such as you must be “productive” to be worthy; or from our behaviors, like when we eat, being controlled by outside forces (school, for many kids; or your parent’s schedule for others). These messages, no matter how well-meaning, teach us to stop trusting ourselves and develop coping strategies to manage other people’s wishes for us.
In order for our relationships with our kids to be healthy, we need to work on healing ourselves. There are hints about your wounds hidden in your biggest triggers. Can you not stand to see your child eat sugar? That was probably a big deal for you growing up. Does it bother you when they raise their voice? You may have been in a house full of yelling or in a house where a raised voice got you in trouble. Does conflict between siblings bother you? Maybe you were the peacekeeper in your family. There are many family dynamics, tendencies, pet peeves, or conflicting needs that have contributed to our triggers.
As I write this, Raiden has entered the room, and I can feel him wanting to talk to me. I hate being distracted when I am deep in my own thing. If I am reading, writing, working out, or lost in thought, I cannot stand an interruption. When he entered I felt my body tense and my mind freeze and couldn’t think what to write anymore. That’s one of my triggers — so how do I learn to notice it and manage it in a healthy way that doesn’t put my baggage on others, but supports me in what I need? I don’t know yet. Send suggestions if you do.
Some ideas to notice your triggers:
Keep a trigger journal. Every time you get triggered by something, write down the incident, what happened before it, and how you responded. You can also do this at the end of the day. You will start to notice patterns in your triggers.
Notice your body. No, really, notice your body. When I tense up I know something is wrong. If I have the awareness to feel that tension I can stop myself from reacting.
Ask others if they have noticed your triggers. But... be prepared. This can be hard to hear.
Ask for support from a partner or friend. Someone who can point out when they notice something, or someone you can go to when you feel triggered and just need to vent. Someone who isn’t going to try to fix it, maybe?
Be honest about your triggers. If something happens, it happens. We all snap, yell, go silent or cold, or otherwise behave in ways that we wish we didn’t — especially with our kids. Anyone who says differently is selling something. After everyone’s had a chance to settle down, talk with your kid. Let them know about the trigger and make sure they know that it is your thing to work through and you are sorry that you put it on them.
What are you doing to work on your triggers and heal yourself?
Peace Everyone,
Bria