A few weeks ago I posed some questions, and promised to share my answers. Asking myself questions is a big part of my parenting practice; it helps me reflect on my relationships, especially whether I am walking my talk.
What is one moment you’ve had with your kid(s) recently that felt positive and impactful?
Last week, as we were getting ready to leave the house during a warm day, I glanced at Raiden and mentioned, “you may want to consider putting on a short-sleeved shirt. It’s gonna be hot.”
He started to voice what sounded like a protest, and it felt clear from his response that he felt I was imposing on him.
“I just said ‘consider.’”
He paused and was like, “No, you’re right, I probably should.”
This is a small moment, but small moments show us a lot about our relationships. There’s a lot to break down here, but for now I’ll share what I feel I handle well.
I try to refrain from “should” and from flat out telling him what to do. I also don’t hint without saying it outright, for example: “oh, I think it’s gonna be hot today...” *hint hint* No, Bria, just tell him what you’re thinking. Hinting feels sneaky and leading to me.
He knows the decision is up to him. Even though I may push harder when I feel strongly, he knows that ultimately I will accept his choice.
What idea within parenting, communication, and relationships have you been thinking about?
What is the difference between indoctrination and sharing values?
This one has been spinning in my head. A friend recently shared the definition of indoctrination: “The process of teaching a person or group to accept a set of beliefs uncritically."
There’s that word: uncritically. If I am sharing in a way that pushes Raiden to accept my values and views uncritically, then it’s indoctrination. If I accept and model thinking critically, then it’s not indoctrination.
I try to model critical thinking and leaving the conversation open for alternate opinions. When I share my ideas, I often include phrases such as the following: This is my opinion about it; I know some others feel different; There’s more sides to the story; there’s some pieces that I may be missing; and, but this is what I know about it, and how I feel about it.
Sharing other angles makes it clear that I have an opinion and here are the reasons, but I recognize others have different opinions. It conveys that although I feel strongly about my opinion and may not agree with others, it’s valid to form your own opinion. I don’t ever want Raiden to feel that he isn’t entitled to his own opinion. And I don’t want him to feel he can’t share his different opinion with me. When we disagree, I don’t argue or shut him off; we discuss.
What is one moment you’ve had that felt hard?
I am sure there have been difficult moments recently, but I honestly can’t think of one. That tells me that I am not paying enough attention to our interactions. I have been deep in my own work of planning an event, and preparing for Flying Squads (my one-day-a-week outdoor program for kids) as it starts up again, and haven’t had the energy to pay close attention to how Raiden and I are interacting. I’m not going to feel guilty about that that now — life ebbs and flows, and Raiden is doing just fine and we do spend time together — but it is important to note, reflect, and shift.
Anything stand out to you? I’m also reflecting on how every moment is just part of building relationships. Do the good moments come with some hard? Do the hard moments come with some good? I think that they do.
Peace Everyone,
Bria