The Fine Line of Questioning
“Why are teddy bears a thing?”
My stepson’s question caught me off guard. “Where did that come from?” I wondered, followed by a verbal, “I have no idea actually,” and a glance in the rearview mirror to see the expression on his face. We were driving to some activity, and these drives were often coupled with questions ranging from that random “why are teddy bears a thing?” to the more serious “what does Black Lives Matter mean?”
Awhile back I read an article that talked about how we should respond to young people. They recommend that you respond to a kid’s question with your own questions — a frequent opinion in parenting articles, and a simplification that doesn't sit well with me. I often think about how I would respond if I asked my partner or friend a question, and instead of providing an answer, they responded with a “what do you think?”
Here’s one of the suggestions from the article: when a child asks us to solve a problem, we step in too quickly to do it for them. Instead of saying, “Here’s how you do that,” Varol suggests, “How would you solve this problem?”
There is a fine line between encouraging a kid to find something out on their own (or offering to help), and being annoying and discouraging when you refuse to answer or help at all. This completely depends on the age, disposition, and life experience of the kid, and many young people are prepared to find answers on their own. However, when a person of any age asks for help, it feels disrespectful and unhelpful to dismiss it with a “figure it out yourself” no matter how kindly worded that statement is. The difference, I believe, is that we trust that adults and older teens know when they need help, whereas younger children, we believe, do not know when they need help or when they can figure something out on their own. Therefore, we think that we adults have to tell younger kids when they don’t need help from us.
But what if they do know? How do we know the difference between an easy out and a genuine call for help? What if we just trusted them?
One of the jobs of parents is to walk that line. If I always just tell my stepson to figure out the answer himself, then he won’t necessarily develop the tools he needs to do that. If I model what resources he can use to find answers, and then slowly encourage him to find answers himself, that’s a better way to encourage that kind of thinking. If I answer his questions with my opinion, combined with as many objective statements as I can manage, and engage in a conversation, then the result is the kind of collaborative deep engagement and learning that I feel has occurred with both my stepson and my father (when I was a young one asking him all the questions). If my dad had always answered me with a “how are you going to find that out?” He would have put a full stop on any conversation I tried to initiate, and I would have stopped asking him questions, stopped engaging with him, and never would have had those deep conversations with him. The truth is that it’s never cut and dried. In some situations you answer, in some you model, and in some you encourage them to seek answers themselves. Your relationship with the young person will help you to know which one is the best option each time.
When my stepson asked me, “Why are teddy bears a thing?” After my initial surprise, I went on to say, “I don’t know, maybe we can find a YouTube video. Do you have any ideas?” I sometimes respond to these questions with “let’s find a book,” or “we can look it up,” or way too often, “let’s ask your dad.” I know that by offering these suggestions I am giving examples for ways he can find information for himself.
Edited excerpt from Just Be in Relationship.
Peace Everyone,
Bria
P.S. we asked his dad about teddy bears, and his dad knew.