I remember a year ago when I started up programs with kids again and began to find more ways to get out in the world.
My husband, Jimmy, would tell me, “You know, you’re always grumpy when you have to leave the house, but you’re always happy when you come back and glad that you went.”
I would look at him and smile and say, “You’re right,” even though I kinda didn’t want to hear it. And then the next time I left the house I would feel grumpy again anyway.
But I needed someone to tell me that even when I didn’t want to hear it. Especially when I didn’t want to hear it. How much is it okay to nudge someone in order to help them move out of their comfort zone, try something new, or to keep doing something that feels uncomfortable but is actually good for them, that obviously brings them joy? Does that dynamic of nudging change when it’s an adult-child relationship, as opposed to an adult-adult?
It’s been hard around here. We have spent so much time in the comfort and security of our home over the last two years and I’m wondering how we start (or continue) to venture out in a way that feels comfortable, even when it’s challenging, for everyone in the house. And what if those comfort levels conflict?
We, at least Raiden and I, have been primarily in our home for so long that the transition out feels difficult and scary. And if it feels this way for me as an adult, I wonder how it feels for kids, who have experienced many fewer years of life.
”It’s a fifth of his life,” Jimmy will remind me. And he’s right. But when I look at Raiden (or even Jimmy or a friend) and know something could be good for them, could bring them joy, but it just feels hard for them right now, it’s frustrating to not know how to tell them. And what if my desire to leave the house and start doing more things in the world conflicts with Raiden’s desire to continue to stay home more? How do we have that conversation?
As you can see, this is the season of more questions than answers for us. We keep having conversations. We try things out. Little by little, we develop routines outside of the house. And we nudge. It feels too slow to me. Then I remember my childhood years, years that involved running around and doing as many things as possible as soon as I was old enough to do so on my own (and before that, when my dad’s time and schedule allowed him to bring me places). But that was what I wanted. I need to remember that my child is not me no matter how hard I may wish or try. And I have to remind myself that what is good for me isn’t necessarily right for him. But taking it slowly, testing it out, trying things together, and pushing one another (respectfully), is all a part of our process.
I’m curious how this season feels for everyone else. Is there some transition going on? If so, does it feel right, hard, or somewhere in between? Are these conversations and thoughts of conflicting needs, or the necessity to shift patterns (even when it’s scary), coming up for you all?
Peace Everyone,
Bria
At this point I feel like we have to nudge ourselves and each other out of the house after every winter when we’re holed up hiding away from the covid surge. It feels hard and then looking back, it was necessary and worth it every time (in the same way your framing changed when coming back home). It definitely leads to some dynamic changes in our family and while I might be the one that needs the nudge, it’s scary and I’m still working on my boundaries and balance. So yeah, I struggle with the questions you’ve posed as well.