What’s Modeling Got to Do with It?
Whether we like it or not, our children are learning from what we are doing. They are extremely observant, curious people who (in many ways) look up to us to show them what it’s like to be in the world. At least, for awhile.
There’s an idea that is popular among early childhood educators: that if you want kids to catch on to something, you should model it. But I don’t like to look at modeling as another “learning tool” that we should manipulate in order to teach specific things to our children. I like to think of it as something we are always doing, whether it’s on purpose or not, and to use that awareness as a way to look critically at our own behaviors and habits and what those convey to our young people.
So, I am writing this not to tell you to do something, but to be aware of something.
If you are on your phone or tablet or computer (or some mixture of those) very often, and then you complain about how your children are obsessed with devices, the answer is right in your own habits. Your children see the devices as valuable to you (and likely, as valuable to the rest of the world too), and are extra interested in them. I should note here that modeling is especially pertinent in the early years of your children’s lives, but it is always a factor.
If you have consistent eating, exercising, and self-care habits, there’s a good chance your children are picking up on that too, and at the very least they will recognize those as important values that makes their parents’ lives better. If you are often immersed in hobbies or work that you are really passionate about, they pick up on that as well. Anything that is important to you, or that you spend a lot of time on, young people are noticing. They notice what isn’t important to you as well.
And, perhaps even more important, we are also modeling how to treat people. When we treat our children with coercion, control, rewards, or punishment, essentially trying to find ways to exert power over them to get them to do what we want, we are modeling that behavior in relationships. We then reinforce to them over and over that that is how they should treat others in order to get what they want. But if we model mutual respect, care, and trust in what they decide for themselves, we show them that that is how they should treat others in order to have healthy relationships.
Whether we like it or not, we are always modeling. A child will pick up on our traits and our values, and, if those values are authentically being lived as a part of our lives, they will come to value them as well. Your child’s thinking will change based on conversations they have with you, and others around them. They will change based on your relationship with them, and how you live that relationship. They will know what you consider to be important because it is clear in your actions and your words in daily life. For example, if you are a critical thinker, and have genuine conversations with them fueled by curiosity and relationship, then they will be critical thinkers. Not because you’re trying to get that outcome, but because it’s a part of what you’re doing with them and it becomes natural to them.
Be aware that you are always modeling in your life with your children, and use that awareness to think deeply about how you treat them and what values your behavior conveys to them about relationships and respect. Let me know what you find out.
Peace Everyone,
Bria