I got a question recently from a reader (and dear friend) about what partnership parenting looks like at different ages.
My stepson Raiden came to live with us when he was six. I do not have direct experience as a parent with infants and toddlers, so I turned to some people I trust and asked if they would share their stories, experiences, and advice. Raiden and Jimmy are my first partners in this journey, but these people are also my partners. And I am so grateful for their help and care.
The underlying feelings of these parents who practice a partnership style, starting when their kids are the tiniest and youngest of beings, is to follow their kids’ rhythms. Find a way to be in tune with your young ones’ rhythms, following when they need to eat, sleep, be held, be nurtured, be comforted when they cry. Don’t try to make a rhythm for them (often done through sleep training or letting them cry it out), but figure out what their natural rhythm is and support it. This may not feel like you’re developing a partnership at first because it’s hard to tell an infant you need to take a break, and you often can’t find time for yourself. But the youngest of beings know what they need, and it is our job as caretakers to respond to their needs and reassure them that they are valid.
Here is a story from one of these parents...
When I was little I had a lot of fears. My daughter was the same way when she was young. They were mostly little things she feared that could be chalked up to a keen awareness and a sensitivity to the world around her.
She wouldn’t take bubble baths because the bubbles made noises as they would dissipate. We couldn’t use the ceiling fan in her room because it made a noise too. Once, she woke up and thought our dog was Wall-E from the Pixar movie, which sent screams of terror through the house at 1am.
At one point she started waking in the middle of the night and coming to our room. My first thoughts were:
This seems awfully familiar.
She started saying that she didn’t like her room.
Oh, now this really sounds familiar!
As a kid I spent a lot of time sleeping on the couch in the living room because I didn’t like my bedroom. I remember waking up my mom by putting my face two inches from hers and whispering “Mom.. mom... MAAAHHHHMM!” increasing the volume until she woke up, startled to find me there.
History was repeating itself.
I would wake up to the door opening, the light from the living room night light pouring into my bedroom. Then, the sound of tiny two-year-old feet running to the side of my bed. She wouldn’t say a word. She just stood there and waited for me to pick her up. She knew I would carry her back to her bed, grab my blanket, and lay down with her. Some nights she could go back to sleep really quickly, other nights she would lay there and just look around. I was often asleep before she was, but she was comforted by me simply being with her.
It isn’t fun to not be able to sleep. I deal with this as an adult, but I have ways that I’ve learned to deal with the fears that hold my thoughts captive. Our young children do not always have the tools or cognitive ability to navigate these things on their own. They are coming to you to help them navigate the world around them.
These times can be really trying as a parent. We are often tired, sleep deprived beings. We can feel over needed and mentally drained from the intentional, connected days with our little people. Partnering with our little ones is beautiful, yet exhausting work.
But no one likes to be afraid or to feel alone.
It is my greatest work to support my children in developing the tools to one day manage these feelings without me, but they need to know it’s ok to ask for help. That I am there to support them and work through this with them. It helps when we put it into perspective —those tiny childhood fears are as big to them as our adult fears are to us.
I remember when my own mother would “camp out” in the living room with me or let me sleep in the sleeping bag at the foot of the bed. She did what it took to make me feel safe, supported, and less afraid. I am doing the same for my children. Even as they enter their tweens and teens I still sometimes find myself on our couch, helping calm late night active minds by being just a little bit closer, which allows them to use the tools they’ve acquired through our partnership with just a little support.
For my family, partnership parenting is saying:
We will work through it together
I will stay close to help you feel safe
It’s ok to ask for help
I am here
One sleepless night at a time...
Lots of gratitude to Jeana for sharing this story.
Peace Everyone,
Bria