A few years ago, Raiden wanted a nerf gun. He wanted one so badly he asked us every hour for days. New to this co-parenting thing, we had no pre-determined ideas on when, how, and why we would buy him things. His dad and I talked and decided we would get him a nerf gun. I mean, why not?
We stopped at the store on the way home from his learning community and picked one. He went back to his community the next morning, nerf gun in hand, glowing.
When I picked him up, the nerf gun was gone. He was holding a handmade cardboard gun instead — a durable, fancy, well-made cardboard gun. He told me he had traded the nerf gun for this cardboard gun that his friend (along with one of the staff) had made.
I was pissed.
I could have asked myself a thousand questions about why I was angry. Instead, I got upset and (as calmly as I could) told him so. Later, I spoke with other parents (ones who practice partnership with their kids) and they affirmed what was nagging at me, and I decided I didn’t have a right to be mad.
When we bought the gun, I was excited to give him a gift. Purchasing something that made him feel good made me feel attached to it. I felt that the nerf gun, and what he did with it, was my business. But once I bought it for him, it was now his, and he was free to do with it what he wanted.
But what if it was a computer? What about a bike? What about a bike helmet? A winter jacket? We have been pretty clear in having conversations about when things are okay to trade and when they are either necessities, or too expensive for trading.
For the most part it is his stuff. But this doesn’t make every answer clear. For me, the lesson with the nerf gun was not about determining where our hard lines are, but about reflecting on the concepts of ownership and decision-making in parent-child relationships.
My hope is that Raiden will not trade certain stuff because he understands and agrees about its importance, not because there is some hard and fast rule that we laid down. Our goal is to build a shared understanding, and we do this by discussing our reasoning, asking questions, and asking for Raiden’s opinions.
Many factors complicate these issues. For example, what about how coercion/bullying can play into a lopsided trade? What’s to be done about that? What about age? What about when a person is younger and has had less time to build their understanding of what money and items are worth? And what about when someone is not as good at standing up for themselves? For us, it’s not about one way of doing things; it’s about the relationship we have with our child and how that relationship can inform our answers to these questions.
I’m curious where your lines are. What questions do you ask yourself when this comes up? What type of conversations are you having with your young people about this?
We learned another lesson from the Nerf Gun Incident. A lesson about allowances and how that combines autonomy with responsibility. More on that next time.
Peace Everyone,
Bria
I love this Bria. Gosh it's a tough one isn't it. I have to be honest, I'd be well annoyed if my child did this. But then again I'd also probably be relieved to not have a nerf gun in the house (clearly another thing I need to deconstruct). So yeah, it's not an easy one is it. Thanks for sharing.