For a refresher on what I mean when I say “Partnership Parenting” check out this short video.
Misconception #1: You ignore your own needs.
Partnership parenting is not about ignoring your own needs; it’s about respecting the needs of your children and your own. It does not mean you do everything for them, buy them whatever they want, and base all of your time around their desires. If you bend over backwards to always make sure your children get what they want, without regard to your own feelings or desires, you’re modeling the behavior of over-exerting yourself and ignoring your own boundaries, and showing them that they don’t need to care or pay attention to the needs, feelings, or desires of other people. That’s not at all helpful for learning how to be in caring relationships with one another.
What’s difficult to figure out is whether a need is yours or whether it is something you’re pushing on your child — taking away their choice. Paying attention to these distinctions is at the heart of partnership parenting. Here’s an example:
I need you to clean your room compared to I need help taking care of the common areas.
If you call it “their room” shouldn’t it be their room? Shouldn’t they be in control of their space? If the mess in their room is truly so overwhelming you don’t want to be in there, you can tell them and they can to do with that information what they will. Though it is best to share this information honestly, and not as a manipulation tool to get them to do what you want. Be prepared to accept whatever decision they make.
The common areas are spaces you share, so it’s fair to negotiate the levels of tidiness or cleanliness that work for everyone, and how everyone can help maintain the agreed comfort level.
To help work through which needs are yours and which are things you are trying to impose on your children, ask yourself the following:
Does this behavior directly affect my time, space, or wellbeing?
What is the true underlying need for me in this situation?
How would I react if my child instructed me to do the same thing? For example: “Clean your room, mom.”
What do I actually want for them in this situation? Why?
If you are having a hard time thinking of other examples for this thought experiment, try these:
I need you to eat your vegetables
I need help with the dishes
I need you to pay attention when I am talking
I need some help
I need you to stop complaining
I need some alone time
One last thing — when you respect your children’s right to choose, and make an effort to support them in their needs and desires, they reciprocate. In our home, internet bandwidth is a limited resource, and I occasionally have important meetings during which I need sufficient internet speed. So I ask Raiden to not play games online during those times, and even though he hates this (especially if it’s when a friend is online), he knows I wouldn’t ask unless it was crucial, and he agrees to do this for me to take care of me and my needs.
Peace Everyone,
Bria